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Be warned the following contains ranting's and ramblings during what I can only sum up as a winter depression, it is by no means the end of the world



Blogs are interesting things, not that I'd call this a blog, and I do hate the word 'blog'

This started out as a Diary of sorts, a way of dumping my thoughts, a scrapbook. The more interesting personal parts of this are not online and are kept in an encrypted box for my eyes only.

This became a quick and easy way to show friends what I'm upto, to document and record all the many interesting yet unfinished things I do.

I have no care for an audience, Writing as if talking to someone seems more natural and perhaps therapeutic.

So on I shall rant, to all who would care to listen, even if it only reaches one person and that person is myself, it shall be worth it.


Welcome to club consciousness, population you

I don't know when it happened exactly if it was a single moment or a gradual change? I don't even know what to call it. A moment of expanded consciousness, observing ego, an epiphany or a moment of clarity.

Something is different, that much I know.

When you're a kid the world is so big and unknown, you don't even know it exists so the vastness doesn't even occur to you. All that exists is you and your small area of experience. Time is infinite and days stretch out lasting forever. Then you get older, time speeds up, days disappear faster and faster and you may not even notice them pass at all.

Slowly you begin to realize the tonnage of things you DONT know, all the possible paths you could go in and how time is slipping thru your fingers, that time isn't infinite and what you do with it is of increasing importance... at least that's what I realized.

Most people appear to be stuck in that initial child like state. Where only they exist along with there immediate vicinity. They don't think big, they go from day to day doing what they do; mindlessly. Living someone else's life and getting on with it. They live thru films and books only.

Ignorance is bliss. I was happy as a child, I think. The less you're aware of things, the easier that seems to be. At least that's my experience, if you had bad parents then perhaps the opposite is true, I don't know.

But I don't have that luxury any more, the luxury of not being aware of the finiteness of everything.
Saying 'everything going to be all right' doesn't cut it anymore. Desires and needs become more complex, to the point we might not even know or understand what they are.

As you become your own individual you have to discover what you want, what it is that makes you happy.
As a child you want what appears to be wanted, sweets! games! things you don't have, etc etc, you want them automatically, that's the done thing, you happily chew through sweets and are happy; even though you haven't stopped to think for a second, are these sweets even nice? do I actually enjoy them or am I the product of conditioning. Am I just a Sheep, our my desires my own? and are they healthy, obtainable and sustainable?

As a child that's much simpler, you want things; you don't care or even consider why you want them, and if you don't get them you have a fit.

Life as an adult is and should be much more complicated than good vs evil, no black and white, just grey. Sometimes when you finally get what you want, you no longer want it, and realize perhaps you never wanted it to begin with.

So what good is this expanded awareness? would ignorance; forever like a child, be overall more pleasant?


But I don't think you can go back once you are aware, only if you have some serious powers of delusion could you crawl back into the metaphorical womb.

It feels like most other people are in this womb, this deluded state of suspension, living lives that are not there own. I have no idea what if any internal confliction goes on in the minds of the masses. Some appear bitter, wanting to keep everyone at there level of un-success, the misserable ones, some are simply oblivious, those are the happy ones. Maybe they were aware once, failed, never tried, succumb to mediocrity. Maybe most people are just happy to just 'be' to just exist, maybe that's enough for most people, maybe they don't think about it to much, thus is doesn't bother them.

But I do think about it, a lot, and thinking about stuff like that often makes you crazy.

When you become self-aware you may be immediately disappointed, perhaps your not living the life you want, perhaps you are not in control, you work for other peoples goals, you just get by and are bored of that, you want more of something. And with that comes fear and a kind of depression, as you don't know how to get out of it, you don't know how to get those things you want and your worried you'll always be aware of that fact and wish you could go back to being unaware, to make it all just go away.

If you are living your life the way you want, doing the things you like, and every morning you can look in the mirror and honestly believe today is going to be better than the last, then chances are you are already self-aware, and have sailed your ship correctly because of it, that or your very fortunate or possibly naive and deceiving yourself.

There comes a point in everyones life when they realize their long held dream of becoming *insert dream here* is never going to happen. Maybe it was a fanciful dream, a fantastic hope, whatever it was, you secretly hold onto it in the back of your mind as if it was going to happen, one day, perhaps in another life, another you, but it was going to happen, and you've never really faced up to the reality that it really isn't, not if you continue as you are. Your not going to get a second chance. The first run thru life isn't the warm up and you don't get to try again at the end.


Now if this all sounds negative, It's because it is, and I am not exactly cheery at the moment.

Right now, I am not particularly happy, I have more than most people have, I have a warm safe environment, I have loving and supportive family and I have all my mental faculties and health, so I don't really have anything to be upset about... yet I still am. For the simple reason that I expect so much more of myself, that I know my own potential and yet I haven't been able to evidence it to myself properly, maybe I haven't been trying, the why doesn't matter though.

I'm just not where I want to be right now and it is all my own doing for being complacent, for thinking ill always have more time, for being scared and for being weak. We can all go round blaming it on things, blame it on your upbringing, blame it on lacking enthusiasm, lack of energy, whatever. None of that actually helps though. Not of it fixes the underlying problem.

In any case, I'm itchy and anxious to change how things are right now

I'm trying to figure out what the problem is, what it is inside of me that's not working the way I want.

I've spent so long knowing inside I have potential, It's become a simple expectation that ill get the rewards I deserve, that it will just happen by itself and my internal beliefs are enough. That there's plenty of time to mess about. I started thinking like that back in School and it stuck even though 7 years or more have passed. And while I've learned a ton in 7 years, I'm still going along like everything lasts forever, like I'm not getting any older like there plenty of everything left.

So now I feel rushed, anxious to catch up, like time slipped by while I wasn't paying attention


"If the human brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldnt"

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Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. -- Steve Jobs
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